Bluelight
by Aquamarine Shadows
Summary: One day Grif wakes up in an unfamiliar place. It's rainy, and there are... fairies? What in the world is going on? Red vs Blue/Twilight oneshot, attempt at a crackfic. Rated for RvB style language.


DISCLAIMER: I don't own RvB. RoosterTeeth does. I also don't own Twilight.

XxXxX

Grif woke up in the middle of the night. He just couldn't sleep, so he put his orange armor on and went to the roof of Red Base to sit. Suddenly everything went black, and Grif was knocked out cold. When he woke up again, he was in the middle of a paved road in a very rainy place. He looked around him and saw that his fellow members of the Red Team were just coming to.

"Where the fuck am I?" he said groggily.

"That's a horrible question, Grif! Automatic demotion!" Sarge said with his strong southern accent.

"Simmons, where are we? Report!"

"I believe we're in another universe, Sir," Simmons said. "This looks like the setting from one of Donut's movies."

"I think it was called Toilet," Grif said.

"It's called Twilight, dumb ass!" Simmons argued. "Anyway, it's a book too, and it's about a bunch of vampires-"

"Well look how that turned out. Where's the blood? Where's the fangs? Where the fuck are the BABES?" Sarge smacked Grif upside the head. "What the hell was that for, Sarge?"

"For being you. Now get ta movin' ya bunch of pansies!" their Commanding Officer urged them along. Every so often Grif had to wipe the water off of his faceplate because of the heavy rain. Donut, on the other hand, was practically hyperventilating at the scenario before him.

'This is so exciting!' he thought. 'Maybe I'll have the chance to ask Edward about the home decor!' He continued following his fellow soldiers while gaily prancing about.

"So, Simmons, this book 'Toilet'? Is it any good?" Sarge asked.

Simmons, thinking that it was not likely that Sarge would read anytime soon, gave his CO the scoop anyway. "Well, Sir, the vampires in Twilight are not your every day run-of-the-mill vampires..."

Grif gagged as he listened to him describe every bit of detail to the old geezer. "Give it a rest, will ya? Sarge, all you need to know about Twilight is that the vampires are gay, and all of the main characters should be shot. Like the Blues."

Sarge straightened up. "You mean to tell me that these Bluetards have spread their forces to other universes?" he said. "We must stop this abomination!"

"No, Sarge, that's not-"

"What's this, Simmons? Insubordination?" Sarge said.

Grif snickered and turned to Simmons. "Face it, Kiss Ass, Twishite was just a book that some wannabe writer wrote so she could imagine herself fucking a piece of marble. I've read far better books than that," he said smugly.

Simmons scoffed at the thought, "First off, since when do you READ? You're so stupid that you make your sister look like a fucking rocket scientist!"

"Hey! That's my SISTER!"

"Yeah, the one that thinks girls can ejaculate."

Grif shut up for a second. He couldn't deny that one. Kaikaina was pretty dumb, and for the most part, useless. "I have too read! I can even tell you a story right now that I read the other day that was much better than fucking Twilight."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!" Grif settled down into his story time rocking chair, that for some reason or another happened to be sitting in the middle of the sidewalk. "Once upon a time there was a superchibi. The superchibi is a wicked tyrant that should be punched in the face with an acorn by a piñata who loves nachos, but only with bleu cheese. A purple monkey named Kilopojin threw a pair of blue Spiderman boxers at a cow. The superchibi ate the cow with BBQ sauce and a spork! However, the cow was a double agent for his enemies (which was pretty much every living being), and so superchibi had done himself an enormous favor. Then the super ninja zombie slayer went to pango wango to discover the magma protons to help the giant evil termites take over the world!

" 'MWAHAHAHAHA!' The superchibi laughed, 'This superchibi's name will now be, DOCTOR superchibi!' The tyrant laughed as he unleashed his wrath of magically mystical termites over the world!  
However, the doctor was eaten by the termites and died but one of the termites exploded from all the food and a new superchibi was formed.

"Closer and closer, superchibi moved blindly through the black, cold, bog marshes, unable to see the pizza delivery guy waiting for his next victim with a bottle of fresh maple syrup. The still silence of midnight was broken by the sound of his sunglasses crying out, 'Yeee haaa!' "

"Ok, one: where the fuck did that rocking chair come from? What is this, Granny Central? Two: That's not a real story! You made it up, you team killing fucktard!"

"C'mon, dirt bags! We have company!" Suddenly the sun came out, and Grif and Simmons turned around to see a very angry Edward, who in all honestly looked very much like an oversized fairy. The fairy took off its shirt and began to sparkle, making the lawn before them start to burn and blinding them. The monster/fairy threw a fit and began attacking random people and eye raping innocent children.

The Reds began firing rapidly at the sparkling bitch boy. "What in Sam hell is going on?" Sarge said bewilderedly.

Simmons, wanting a chance to kiss ass one last time before dying, said, "It appears that we are under attack, Sir. It seems that our bullets do nothing to him."

"No kidding, Kiss Ass. That thing isn't a vampire, I'm telling you! It's a fucking Alien!"

"Like Junior? I've always wanted another Alien around!" Donut said excitedly.

"Shut up, Donut," Grif and Simmons said together.

"Listen up, dirt bags! Quit yer lollygaggin' and listen to my orders. Donut, proceed to run around screaming like a woman. Simmons, kiss ass at will. Grif, be prepared to die for your commanding officer."

While Simmons rambled off countless insults to Grif and plenty of compliments to Sarge, Donut did as he was instructed. He ran in circles, running into poles randomly several times. Grif never wanted to die this way, not by being mauled by a freakin' fairy. "Permission to join Donut, Sir?"

"No!" Sarge denied him. "Simmons, prepare to carry out defense plan A."

"No offense, Sir, but where the hell am I going to find a steamroller?" Simmons said.

"Just do it, ya Bluetard! The Blues are schenniving as we speak! That is, they're scheming and conniving.

"Yes, Sir."

Grif looked over at Donut, who was jumping for joy at the sight of his Eddykins. "Hey, Donut! Throw this present over to your fantasy VILF! He'd enjoy it!" he said as he handed Donut a package containing none other than Andy the bomb. Donut, being the oblivious she-man he was, gladly took the package over to the Cullen and scurried away from him like a pre-pubescent monkey.

"Thata boy, Andy. Now, do what you were born to do! Detonate!" Grif said to Andy through his radio.

"Will do, Grif! It's what I live for!" Andy said. "10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!"

With that, the bomb exploded and blew the angry fairy to pieces.

.

Grif shot up in bed, hitting his head on his headboard. "Oww... My fucking head," he said as he rubbed his throbbing temples. "That's it, no more ketchup vodka after 2 am."

XxXxX

The above is the product of my imagination gone wild... And watching RvB while trying to write a new chapter of Disturbia. I guess applying RvB scenes to Twilight has some strange effects. 0.o I wasn't very serious when I wrote it, so try not to take it too seriously, 'kay? =)

~Kai


End file.
